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I like my banana stiff and with a twist.

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I like it when you scramble my eggs.

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Let's fuck.

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When you hold my hand, I get an erection.

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You're not not my best friend.

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That feeling of finding a curly hair in your last bite of pad thai? That's how I want them to feel every day.

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I hope your new house is haunted

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Just saying hi.

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I miss you.

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Here to say hello.

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Remember that time I accidentally sent you that naked photo of me? Happy World Photo Day!

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Stop being sick.

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No biggie.

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It's okay to worry, but you'll be alright.

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Don't be so hard on yourself.

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Happy Halloween! Don't get stabbed.

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Happy Halloween to my favorite horror movie buddy!

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Halloween movies don't suck.

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You made it. Who would have expected that? Happy birthday!

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Well, you're older and I'm still here.

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I don't understand how your parents liked each other enough to have sex, but I'm glad they did it at least once.

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Happy birthday to the most fuckable person I know.

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Happy reminder date when you replied to my creepy message.

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You're still the one that make my panties drop.

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You did it. Again. Congratulations.

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Mic drop.

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Congrat-u-fucking-lations!

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You're a better person than me. Thank you.

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From the bottom of my rotten heart: thank you.

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Thank you.

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You made that bearable. Thank you.

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You're doing awesome.

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You should be so fucking proud.

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I am so proud of you I peed myself.

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How the fuck did you do that?

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How are you so awesome?

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Fuck this.

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This really fucking sucks.

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This really fucking sucks.

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What. The. Actual. Fuck.

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FUCK

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Without you posting memes, I wouldn’t have anything to read.

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You won't be home tonight.

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Fuck the fuckers.

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I hope your new house isn't haunted.

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Pizza, please.

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Aliens, please.

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Has Mars attacked yet?

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Happy World Space Week to the one person who is truly out of this world.

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Let's get outta here.

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Dear Grandma, Roses are red. Violets are blue. I hope you don't die, but I'll be rich when you do.

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Dear Grandpa, I love you. I just need you to be a little less racist.

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For Grandparents' Day, I hope you remember that I am your favorite.

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Happy Grandparents' Day! Congratulations on figuring out how to open this eCard!

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Mic drop.

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Template

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You won’t be home tonight…

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